Heart Buts

Things I Heart Today:

(1) I Heart P90X
That's a trendy fitness program I just started. Yes, trying AGAIN to get into shape. Don't mock me, it's not my fault that God created Oreos. But the videos - despite being incredibly hard and a bit beyond my capability - are quite interesting. You do a different one every day, too, so it doesn't get boring.

But....
I'm hating the stupid yoga they have in there. I'm sorry, Yoga Lovers (or as I like to say, soy-eatin' hemp-wearin' Commo Pinko Yoga Freaks), but it's just not for me. First of all, you stay in those moves way too long. Gilligan spent less time on the island than I did in the stupid Warrior Pose. And besides, I just can't take it seriously when the moves are called Superman Banana and Astanga Sun Salutation. And seriously, I have NEVER seen my dog do the Downward Dog pose.


(Jack doing Superman Banana - even he can't keep a straight face)

(2) I Heart the Dollar Store
Seriously, what could be better? I took the kids there the other day and we could totally get whatever they wanted without putting a dent in the wallet. And sure, they weren't heirloom-quality or anything, but they were fun! Jack got an Army helmet (like Daddy), dress-up stuff to be a knight, and stickers, and Ellie got some Disney figurines, a bouncy ball, and a Little Mermaid book.

But....
Why does every dollar store smell like a Chinese Herbalist's store? I'm just sayin'....


(Army Guy Knight - it could happen)

(3) I Heart Super Friends
You know, the Justice League, when Superman and Batman and the SuperTwins and Wonder Woman etc etc all joined together at the Halls of Justice to fight evil. That is just awesomely fun. Jack is into superheros right now - and loves Super Friends. And I love it right along with him.

But...
A couple of episodes appear to have been written under the influence of illicit drugs. I mean, c'mon, the Super Friends get caught in a tornado and transported to the Land of Oz, where an evil munchkin turns Superman into the Tin Man and Aquaman into the Scarecrow? What's up with that? Stop eating those funny mushrooms, and perhaps we can all enjoy Super Friends a little more.



(4) I Heart My Kids
Well, I know, I better, huh, they're my kids. Really, I only added this so that I could add one more "But"

But....
I'm HATING that Ellie is writing all over my walls. And I don't mean just with pens and pencils and crayons. The girl can fashion ANYTHING into a writing implement - one time I saw her using a toy car to scratch a picture on the wall. And today, she took her sippy cup and was angling it so that she could draw with the spilling milk. It's downright devious, I tell you.


(Mark my words, as soon as I turn around, she's headin' over to the wall to write)

Press Release

In the PR world, when someone is facing a potential scandal, they're told one of 3 things: (1) deny deny deny, and blame the hateful lie on a right-wing conspiracy; (2) check yourself into rehab for an alcohol/drug/sex/gambling addiction, then blame any past wrongdoing on said addiction; or (3) get in front of the scandal - admit it up front before someone else gets a chance to tell on you.

Well, since there were witnesses to my scandal, and my only addictions are Diet Dr. Pepper and chocolate, then I'm faced with only one option - full disclosure:

My kid peed on the floor in church.

No, not my 19-month with an absorbent diaper. This would be my 3-year-old, allegedly potty trained son with very non-absorbent big boy underwear on. And no, the urinary substance was not caught by aforementioned underwear - approximately a gallon of the foul substance was allowed to flow freely through his baggy khakis down to the floor. Now, thank goodness, we weren't in the carpeted area of the chapel (we were in the overflow area, which is not carpeted). But regardless, it's usually not a good thing when your kid pees on the Lord's floor.

So anyhoo, I tried to channel my mother and show as much dignity as possible. Now she would tell me to smile through it, but I figured smiling under these circumstances would just make me look deranged. But I very quietly removed myself and the kids from the chapel, whispered threateningly at my son to stand in the hallway, and hauled my daughter to the kitchen to grab paper towels. After 3 agonizing trips back into the chapel (there was a LOT of pee) - all as the sermon continued - I managed to clean it up and make my hasty exit home.

So, now all that's left to do is to leave the country, change my name, and join another church.

Jungle Diseases

One of my biggest fears - that I'll go into the doctor (or bring one of my kids in) for a seemingly minor ailment, only to have the doctor gasp in shock, bring all his colleagues in to witness the medical marvel, and explain how I (or my children) have contracted some nasty-a** disease only found in third-world countries where sewage runs through the streets. So indeed I was worried when Ellie had a weird-looking diaper rash. After seeing it, my sister insisted that it was an infection, so fearfully I went to the pediatrician yesterday. I showed him the diaper rash, and then braced myself for the impending questions, "have you vacationed in the slums of Bangladesh lately?" "do you EVER bathe your children?" and "has Child Protective Services visited your home lately?" Fortunately, the pediatrician said that it was indeed just a bad diaper rash. Halellujah, I sang (quietly to myself), just good-old-fashioned neglect by letting my kid sit in a wet diaper too long! Yay me!!!!!!

P.S. - no offense to the people of Bangladesh. I'm sure it's a lovely place.

Where the Livin' Is Easy....

That would be Richmond, my friends. The kiddies and I went down there to visit my sister - actually, she lives in Goochland, maybe 15 minutes from "town," and two of her kids and one of my brothers live "in town." We had a great time, and got to visit with a lot of family. We even got to go to Scott Jr.'s birthday party. Thanks to the hostess with the mostest, my sis', and especially to Warren for giving up his room for us!



(Shortly after this photo was taken, we heard a very polite announcement over the loud speaker reminding us that if you hit the buttons, it calls the front desk, so please don't do that repeatedly. Oops.)




(Ride 'em, cowboy)




(Hanging out between sets. Thanks to the bumpers, Jack actually knocked some pins down)



(My sis and her hubby, along with the birthday boy)

Preschool is Hard!

It really is! So for Jack's birthday, I planned to bring cupcakes (and got permission to do so). So of course, being the Lydia that I am, I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing. And then gave Jack and Ellie one to try out. After seeing the ABSOLUTE CARNAGE that they managed to make in my dining room with just two cupcakes, I thought that every preschool parent would hate me for bringing the messy treats. So, last minute, I ran out to the grocery store and bought some frosted sugar cookies. Came home, read the label - "produced in a plant that also produces peanuts and tree nuts." Crap. Jack goes to a peanut-free preschool. So I'm sending the cupcakes and praying that the kids will be extra-neat with them. Man, preschool is WAY HARD!

Happy Birthday, Jack!

Our Big Boy Jack is 3! Of course, if you ask him, he'll still claim he's 2 (we're working on that), but I know for sure - I was there, although I was heavily medicated at the time, but I'm pretty sure - he's 3. Anyone who knows Jack knows that he's not the "quiet, reserved" type - he has been a handful for us, that's for sure. But boy, does he have personality.

• we've been teaching him to be careful when he sees cars coming, so now, when he does, he screams "get out of the street, a car is coming!" and then crouches on the sidewalk and shoots his "laser button" (that would be on his forearm) at the oncoming cars and tells them to "stop, car!!"
• he refuses to call Ellie simply Ellie - it's either "Baby Ellie" or "Baby Cheeks" (or lately, "Booty Cheeks")
• depending on the day, he also refuses to call himself Jack - some days it's Jack Jack, others it's Captain Jack Sparrow or Superman or Batman
• he is so addicted to chocolate milk that not only is it the first thing he asks for in the morning - when he talks in his sleep, he speaks of chocolate milk (I kid you not - but then again, I shouldn't tease - I probably speak of Diet Dr. Pepper in my sleep)
  

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Since Jared left for a business trip for a whole month (boo hoo for Lydia), we had his party a few days early. We did the Chuck E. Cheese thing.





















Is anyone old enough to remember Elvis (old, fat Elvis, when he used to wear those white jumpsuits)? At the end of his concerts, he would end with a karate-chop move. Well, for some reason (top left photo), when I told Jack to smile for the camera, he did an Elvis-like karate-chop move before saying "Cheese." It kinda frightened me. Sign #1 that he's still a widdle boy - his favorite game in the whole place was the phone where you could talk with Chuck E. Cheese. (Sign #2: at one point, the staff brought out the cake for the birthday boy and accidentally put it in front of his cousin Craig and gave him a medal and sang happy birthday to him - Jack didn't even notice. Sign #3: he had a pee-pee accident during the party. Luckily, one of his presents was new clothes, as Jack's hapless parents had forgotten to bring spares.)
Above, Jack and his friend Garrett.
Below, Ellie and her cousin Sophie.
Below: Jack, Sophie, and Craig. Craig's the daredevil of the group. Every time he'd see me with a camera, he'd flip over something or hurl himself off of something. It's amazing the kid still has all of his parts.
Below: Ellie and Garrett.

WE LOVE YOU, JACK!!!!!!

Dance Fever Update

I kinda sorta captured Ellie dancing (see "Dance Fever" entry). It's kind of a mix between Elaine on Seinfeld, the Seven Dwarfs march as they go to the mines, and the YMCA dance - with a little bit of Vogue-ing thrown in to shake things up. It's quite the sight to see.

Step 1: Start off with a little "hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go" move
Step 2: Do a little electric slide, and send a shout-out to MJ with some moon-walking.
Step 3: Shake your groove thang, do the hokey pokey, and turn yourself around.
Step 4: Finish off with a little vogue-ing, just to show who's boss (you are, girlfriend).

Go Yellow Bird!

I sent my Big Boy Jack off to his first day of preschool. This year, he started at a local preschool - he's in the Yellow Bird class. He was pretty nervous, but I have to admit that I was more nervous than he was. I've been talking it up big-time, so he was pretty excited to get ready and to have his picture taken with his new Spiderman backpack. (Ellie of course had to have HER picture taken with her new backpack, too.) When they came to get Jack out of our car this morning (they do the "car line" here), I was half tempted to whip the car into Drive and run back home with him. But I sucked it up and let him go and he did great. What a big boy! We're so proud!

Ellie wants to be a big kid like Jack, so we got her a backpack, too. It's handy for carrying juice boxes and toy cars.

Today's Stats

• Number of Times I Hat to Put Jack Back into Bed, While He Screamed "I need you Mommy," "you're my friend," "I don't like you," "I don't like my bed," and "I want to go swimming": 16
• Number of Times I Had to Pull Ellie Off of My Laptop: 8
• Number of Walls Jack and Ellie Drew On: 5
• Number of Items Jack Made Into a Sword: 6
• Number of Times I Screamed "Stop Yelling!" (yes, I recognize the irony): 7
• Number of Hours When Both Kids Sleep Soundly and Lydia Can Solve All Her Problem With a Bowl of Count Chocula: 5 wonderful, blessed, cherished, sacred hours

Treehouse Camping

Several things we learned after taking the kids camping at "The Treehouse Camp" this past weekend:

1. They're not really treehouses - they're cabins on stilts. Still, ours was nice, which was handy, since....
2. One should check the weather report before scheduling a camping trip, as it rained all day one of our two days there. Which makes it tricky getting the potty-trainer-in-progress to the bathroom down the slippery trail. Which is why we're not ashamed to admit that we learned that...
3. Kids like to pee off the side of a treehouse. Since we were too wussy to take Jack all the way down to the bathrooms during the rain, Jared got him excited about trying to hit the trees (with, well, you know) while standing on the porch. Jack got a huge kick out of that, and was actually ASKING to go to the bathroom. Which is handy, since...
4. It's hard to be cooped up with two toddlers in a little cabin in the rain. We hadn't put much thought into our packing, so we didn't have anything to entertain them with. So that part was a bit challenging. But luckily....
5. They had a Walmart nearby, so we drove there and bought the kids a couple of toys to entertain them. Even just the car ride helped break up the monotony. And it did eventually stop raining, and Saturday night we were able to cook kebabs over the grill and make s'mores over the fire and....
6. Did I mention I love me some s'mores? Doug and Lindsey also made tasty banana boats, which reminds me that...
7. Doug and Lindsey are saints. Every time they vacation with us, they put up with an incredible amount of chaos (I'd estimate that one of our kids woke them up at least 5 times each night). But they seem to always be in a good mood, which was a blessing since...
8. Lydia gets very cranky camping.