Dirt is Good

Yesterday for Memorial Day we went to my parents' place, which is called Riverside. Not surprisingly, it's on the river; it's also heavily wooded. Being on the river and wooded means that it's also full of sand, dirt, and bugs that are big enough to carry away small children. After spending a day down there, the last thing you could call yourself is 'clean.' But the dirt and muck and bug bites are worth it, because we all end up having a blast.

We started off with food - we have our priorities straight.

The grownups' talking delayed the food a bit, which didn't please Jack and Ellie one bit

But luckily, the food was finally done, and the kids were able to get down to getting dirty - Ellie does that best, of course, and started off by collecting lots of shells and rocks and, well, dirt

Oh, and don't forget to give that big, hairy, smelly beast a big ol' hug

On the way down to the river, we stopped to watch the guys getting nice and smelly

The kids stayed down at the river until the grownups couldn't take the heat and the bugs anymore

They spent a lot of time building what appears to be a series of canals and waterways

Ellie also spent a lot of time poking a dead fish that had washed up onshore - lucky for you, I did not capture that on film

This is pretty much how we all felt (and smelled) by the end of the day - but it was worth it! Dirt is good!

Putting her education to good use

Ellie: "Mom, I really, really need to go to the bathroom - hurry!"
Mom: "OK, I'm hurrying"
Ellie: "No, Mom, really, hurry, my otter is so full!"
Mom: "Your otter?"
Ellie: "Yeah, don't you remember from that book we read? My otter - that holds my pee"
Mom: "You mean your bladder?"
Ellie: "Oh, yeah, I guess - but let's say otter for now because I don't really have time to say bladder"

Ellie: "Mom, I need your help spelling something"
Mom: "OK, what?"
Ellie: I'm making a sign to put on my door"
Mom: "OK"
Ellie: "OK, so how do you spell 'dear Jack, you can come into my room, but you cannot use your taekwondo on me'?"

Ellie: "OK, Mom, we're going to play a math game"
Mom: "OK, how do you play?"
Ellie: "well, you spin this spinner, and then whatever number it lands on, you count out that amount of money"
Mom: "OK, and then what do I do with the money"
Ellie: "Well, you give it to me"
Mom: "that's the whole game? I just give you money?"
Ellie: "Yup!"

Summer's comin'....

Which means more water time...

And more time with the buddies (that's Jack's BFF Lucas)...

And more time on the bike - and check out Mr. Jack without training wheels. We didn't push him to take his off - just waited until he asked for it. So after seeing his buddy Noah riding around without training wheels today, Jack thought it was time. Jared wasn't in town, but I managed to get the training wheels off. OK, well, to be exact, our neighbor Dave kinda had to help. But they got off, is the point. We brought him to a flat part of the street, gave a little push, and - there he goes.

Ready....

Set...

Go!

After proving his manhood sufficiently, Jack decided to retire to the garage to write more of his comic strip ("Mr. Rich Guy"). His buddy Noah watched patiently for a while, then decided to hit the kiddie pool again

Why I'm cranky in the morning

Whenever I look up on the web to find suggestions for making the morning routine easier, the articles always list things I already do. Set out clothes night before. Check. Make lunches ahead of time. Check. Have backpacks, shoes, and jackets ready by the door. Check. You see, they always provide hints to help MOM get out the door. But they don't provide hints to get the bleepin' KIDS out the door.

So every morning we need to leave the house at 7:30am. And by 7:00am, all that is left for my kids to do is to (1) get dressed, (2) comb their hair, and (3) brush their teeth. That should be easily accomplished in a half-hour, right? Oh, no, my friends. My silly, silly friends. Because here's how my morning goes:

7:00am
Mom: ok, Jack and Ellie, we need to leave in a half-hour - time to get dressed
(Jack is playing with action figures; Ellie is building a fort with the couch cushions)

7:10
Mom: Guys, 20 minutes left - let's get moving
(Ellie actually gets dressed, brushes her teeth, and lets me do her hair .... but then starts arguing that since she's ready, she should be able to play with play dough)
(Jack is fashioning his pajama bottoms into a slingshot)

7:20
Mom: Jack, we've just got 10 more minutes - PLEASE get ready; Ellie, leave your brother alone so he can get ready
(Ellie is calling Jack names and sticking her butt out at him)
(Jack is not noticing, since he's busy practicing his taekwondo forms)

7:25
Mom: Jack, seriously, 5 minutes left - PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, GET READY NOW
(Jack fortunately is dressed - kinda - he's got a shirt and socks on - we're getting there)
(Ellie is explaining to me how we need to reorganize the family room)

7:30
Mom: Jack, Ellie and I are going downstairs to wait for you
(Ellie is calling me names now - not sure why, I've stopped asking why)
(Jack, who by some miracle HAS indeed brushed his teeth and now has pants on, decides it's the appropriate time to use my broom to get cobwebs out of the chandelier)

7:35
Mom: Jack! I swear, I'm going to lose my bleepin' mind, PLEASE COME DOWN NOW!
Jack: Why are you yelling, Mom? Sheesh! You sure yell a lot.

Cleaning up

So we're out of space on one of our iPads, so I'm deleting the 661, yes, 661 photos my kids have snapped of themselves, each other, us, the walls, the floors, and various objects that I can't identify. Typically, Jack is the photographer and Ellie is the subject - and here, for your viewing pleasure, meet Ellie:

This is "sweet" Ellie - I put "sweet" in quotes because, well, that's a relative term, right?

Ellie apparently on the way to visit the three bears, eat their food, break their chairs, and sleep in their beds - I can totally see that, by the way

Ellie, definitely hiding something - perhaps her Native American heritage? That'd explain the outfit at least

Ellie happy

Ellie sad

Ellie angry

Ellie about to chop you up and store you in her freezer - don't say I didn't warn you

Mother's %*#&% Day

(1) A belated Happy *%&#% Mother's Day to my mom and Jared's mom. My Happy %*&#% Mother's Day would be a bit more enthusiastic if perhaps my mother-inlaw had raised her son to know how to behave on Mother's Day. Since she didn't, this is all I can muster.

(2) So here's a concept I want to put forward to all the husbands out there, since apparently your mothers did not teach you (don't worry, Jack will learn this). For Mother's Day, ask your wife what SHE'D like you to do - and then, wait for it, DO IT. Poof. Mother's Day Magic. I tried that in my household this year, and well, didn't work out so well. Jared didn't actually ask me what I wanted - so I took the bull by the horns and told him - I wanted him to take the kids on a cub scout campout they were having Mother's Day weekend, and let me stay home, do a thorough spring cleaning of the house, and then relax a bit. Easy, right? But then the campout got canceled, and Jared didn't want to take the kids by himself anywhere else by himself. So that went out the window. So instead, I made it simple - we'll celebrate it on Saturday, and we'll do a real simple day - movies with the kids, lunch, and then the bookstore - but here's the catch - he has to be "mom" during these outings - he's got to take them to the potty, and chase them around the bookstore, and deal with their messes - while I be 'dad' and be blissfully unaware of my maniac kids. Easy, right? And keep in mind - this is only like a 4-hour span of time. But did we manage that? Nope. I got 10 minutes in the bookstore before he got tired of dealing with the kids, he wasn't hungry at lunch (crappiest thing to do to a woman who's sensitive about her weight - not eat anything while she's pigging out), and he complained about the kids 75% of the time. He tried to salvage things on Mother's Day with flowers, but really, by then, I wasn't feeling it.

(3) Thankfully, my kids made me lots of gluey, glittery art projects to make me feel better on Mother's Day. They also filled out those little questionnaires where they tell all about their mothers. So here's me:

Jack says I'm as pretty as a flower; Ellie one-ups him and says I'm pretty as the sun. You know, BLINDINGLY, SCORCHINGLY pretty. I'll go with that one. In a good way, that is, not that people are blinded when they see my face in a bad way.

They both agree that I make the best cookies.

Ellie's favorite thing to do with me is to read books, while Jack likes to cuddle.

Jack also feels that I'm really good at hugging. Ellie? She thinks I'm really good at washing the dishes.

And it's not just that - according to Jack's questionnaire, I'm smart! And I even know "how to make a peanut butter sandwich." Mensa, here I come!

And why do they love me? Well, according to Jack, because 'she's in the family.' So I guess it's the law.

But even if it weren't the law, I love them too - because they're pretty cool. And I'm pretty lucky to be their mom. Mother's Day may suck, but being their mother is pretty awesome.

Get me outta here

So I think the D.C. area has finally agreed that it IS indeed springtime, and aside from a bit of rain, we've been having some really nice weather. So we've been able to get out for walks and hikes and bike rides a lot these past couple of weeks. Which is very good, since my kids are kinda driving me crazy. They haven't necessarily been misbehaving that much (well, maybe Ellie has), but it's more that they've been REALLY REALLY INTENSE lately. Like all their personality quirks have been INTENSIFIED. Which makes me need to get outta here.

Like Ellie, who is always a bit of an energizer bunny, just will NOT CHILL OUT lately. From the minute she wakes up 'til the minute she hits the sheets, she's going going going. And always wanting to enlist you in her madness:

"OK, guys, now we're going to have a tea party"
(Ten minutes later) "OK, guys, here's the plan, now we're going to have a dance party"
(Ten minutes after that) "OK, guys, so I'm going to put on a show and you have to watch"
(Oh yes, ten minutes after that) "OK, guys, now let's go outside and catch roly polys"

She never just SITS. Or watches TV even. When we are watching TV, she also plays restaurant and makes you pretend to eat all the plastic food. Over and over again. She feeds us like 12-course meals. Which in theory I'm all for, but it's not real food, so please stop.

Meanwhile, Jack, our sensitive soul, is apparently on his period or something, because he gets upset when Jared leaves, or when I leave (even to go to the bathroom, people), or even when the dog leaves. Last night I heard him crying in his room after bedtime, and went in to see what was wrong. And what was wrong? Well, he was sad, because eventually Otis will die, and then Jack will miss him so much. OK, so I'm all impressed with the sensitive male thing, but come on, Otis is 7 years old, he's got a lot of years left in him, let's hold off the worrying for a bit. Thankfully, Jack's silly side balances things out a bit, or he'd be a total Debbie Downer. And of course with both kids, they can't just keep their neuroses to themselves - they must share with Mom.

Which is why I gotta get outta here.

Which is why I'm so very glad the weather is nice.

Because outside, Jack doesn't worry about the fact that one of the kids in his class was sad today. And outside Ellie doesn't try to organize any protests or dance parties.

So let's get outside.


The other week, we got together with Jack's cub scout pack to clean up the neighborhood

Jack had a great time hanging out with his buddys; Ellie had a great time racing to see who could get to the trash first

The other day we also went on a long walk and had a picnic in our neighborhood park. Jack and Ellie had a blast having 'adventures' throughout the park. Ellie found all manner of slimy critters, and Jack was always the winner in who-can-jump/climb/fall-the-farthest

A Very Brady Tournament

As you know, I'm always trying to interject Brady Bunch-like moments into our family life. Because, as you SHOULD know (and if you don't, get thee to a Brady Bunch re-run), Mike and Carol Brady always know how to interject important life lessons into their daily lives - and all while wearing very groovy polyester clothes.

I don't often get to emulate them, but I did yesterday. Jack had his first taekwondo tournament. We weren't actually planning on going, but he was so excited about going and competing (he was slated for the 'breaking' competition), that we just couldn't say no.

So off we went - the dang thing went all day, but we were told we could show up at noon. It was fun to watch the demonstration team perform, but otherwise it was a long, long, long stinkin' time to wait - especially since we were standing much of the time due to the crowd. Finally, the actual competitions for his age group started about 3 hours into our wait. And that's when Jack decided he didn't want to compete. Our shy Jack was experiencing a bit o' the stage fright, and had a bit of a breakdown and decided he wanted to go home. Although I was ALL FOR getting out of that stinkin' place, I had a flashback to my Kindergarten Circus. If you haven't heard my story about my Kindergarten Circus, well, consider yourself lucky - but basically I was supposed to play a part, got too shy and scared, and they found another kid to do it. And I pretty much feel that set me on the road to Great-Big-Chicken-Pants-itude. So I told Jack about my Kindergarten Circus story - he wasn't impressed, by the way. So I told him that hey, he didn't have to compete, but he DID have to stay - he made a commitment to his team, so he had to stay and cheer on his teammates. So he agreed, and we kept pointing out how all the other kids looked just as nervous as he did, and before you know it, he decided to compete. He was quite brave, and nailed two of his three breaks - his third break (some kind of downward kick) took him a while, so he lost points. But he was thrilled with the trophy he got for competing and I got to have my Brady moment. Just call me Carol!



Waiting....and waiting....and waiting - Ellie was very good, but it did cost us the use of the iPhone, a hot dog, an orange soda, a bag of M&Ms, and a bag of popcorn. And don't worry - she got us back today, where, while sitting in church, she treated our fellow churchgoers with a well-placed "sh*t!" during services. I don't recall that particular issue in a Brady episode - I'll have to research that one.

Finally the competitors come in

....And wait some more

And then finally (really, this time), it was Jack's turn - doesn't he look handsome!

Go, Brady Bunch!

Hello Lover

I've discovered the one way to ensure that I'm happy with the presents I get from my husband:

I buy them myself.

So for Mother's Day, "Jared" bought me this:

Oh, hello lover.

Yes, yes, I know. I vowed I would never buy a Kindle (or other e-reader) - I love the smell of books, I love the feel of them, the look of them, the je ne sais quoi of them. And that's TRUE. I will NEVER stop buying good, old-fashioned, crack-the-spine books. But let's face it, there's sometimes I buy books that I really don't want to keep afterwards - or pass along. Think cheesy cozy mysteries or chick-lit stuff. And there are times when I'm out and about without space to carry around a big book. Enter my Kindle Fire. Oh, it's so wonderful. And I, I mean, Jared bought a cute little purple cover for it. It fits right in my purse, and I can download all the cheap books I want onto it. It is so very lovely. But don't worry - I'm still overloading this sucker too.

For the Record

(1) Yes, Jack and Ellie have their own beds - and their own rooms - but halfway through the night there's no telling where they'll end up

(2) Yes, I realize they may end up as co-dependent co-sleepers - but right now, I just need the quiet, so I'm willing to risk it. If they want to go to bed in the frickin' bathtub, that's grand, as long as they go to sleep - and not in my bed.

(3) Yes, it's a bit creepy to take a picture of your sleeping kid. I realize that now. My apologies.

(4) And yes, Ellie unfortunately inherited my bed-head. Hopefully she'll be able to lead a productive life in spite of that.