It's Springtime, Damnit!

Forget the groundhog or the weather guy or the calendar - JARED will decide when it's springtime, damnit. Like the other day when, just a couple hours before he was supposed to leave for a trip, he said, "Let's go to Home Depot and get some dirt." That's when we know it's springtime - when Jared decides it's time to get some dirt. And of course when we get to Home Depot, it's time to get flowers. A lot of flowers. We have a tiny little yard - we got a lot of flowers. We're going to have to give flowers away, we got so many flowers. Our kids will have to skip that fancy Ivy League education, we got so many flowers. But that's ok. Because it's springtime. Because Jared says it is, damnit. Take that, groundhog.

Somehow we managed to fit all the flowers and dirt in the back of the car. Just barely.

And somehow Jared managed to get home, get the flowers planted in the front yard and the dirt lay down in the backyard and showered and off on his trip on time.

Not me - flowers and dirt, that's his job. For me, it was baking time. Because I said it was baking time, damnit.

Musical Beds

Last Night

Ellie in Ellie's bed, Jack in Ellie's trundle bed
Jack in Ellie's bed with Ellie
Elie in Ellie's trundle bed, Jack in Ellie's bed
Jack in Jack's bed, Ellie in Ellie's bed
Jack in Jack's bed, Ellie in Jack's trundle bed
Ellie back in Ellie's bed, Jack back in Ellie's trundle bed
Jack and Ellie on Mom's floor
Please. Just. Go. To. Sleep.

Jack and Ellie's Restaurant of Death

I remember quite vividly when I would do 'Lydia and Jeanette's Restaurant' when I was a kid. In truth, it was probably 'Jeanette and Lydia's Restaurant' since my sister was kinda pushy back then, but hey, I'm all about revisionist history, so we'll pretend it was Lydia and Jeanette's. But anyway, we'd draw up menus, and make food for any family member who would eat it. Our menu included such delicacies as cheese bubbles (put American cheese on piece of white bread and put into toaster oven until the cheese bubbles up), raisin bread (press raisins into pieces of white bread), and English muffin pizzas. I remember this all from my perspective, but now that I'm on the receiving end of a kid restaurant, I'm wondering if my mom was as paralyzed with fear of house-burning-down-kids-catching-on-fire-kids-giving-me-food-poisoning as I was.

Jared was out of town the other night, and the kids decided they wanted to do their restaurant. Thinking back to my last restaurant experience with them, I cleverly told them that I was really in the mood for Cheerios and a glass of water. And fortunately, they decided that they too wanted super-easy pre-made stuff - Ramen noodles for Ellie, microwave soft pretzel and string cheese for Jack. Not the pinnacle of healthy food, to be sure, but hey, we're just trying not to burn the house down here.

So they started, and immediately my blood pressure started to raise, as I was told definitively that I could NOT help at all. First, there was Ellie climbing up the pantry shelves. Then Jack climbing onto the counters to get the glass plates down. Then Ellie starting the gas stove (that took a year off my life right there), and her boiling the water for the Ramen, and then pouring the scalding Ramen into her bowl. I must say, when all was said and done, we were all fed, no one was injured (unless you count the damage to my heart), and no appliances were damaged. So maybe - just maybe - next time I'll trust them to make me a cheese bubble.

Everyone's a Critic

Every year at Christmas we have copies of the year's blog entries printed into a hardcover book, and that kinda serves as our family photo album. Well, not just 'kinda' serves as it - it IS it, since I'm too dang lazy to put together a photo album. So anyway, the kids love to get the books down and look through the pictures. But now, unfortunately, some putz taught the kids how to read, and they can actually read the entries. And apparently feel like I need some significant improvement in my entries.

Ellie: "You should have more pictures for this one - two isn't enough"

Jack: "I don't get this - is this supposed to be funny?"

Ellie: "I don't like this picture of me - you need to remove it"

Jack: "Really, you think that's funny?"

So, really, I think this whole 'teach your kids to read' thing is highly overrated. I think I liked it better when they just liked colorful, shiny things.

Why Jared Misses Hawaii

Because this is the first day of our spring break

Even Better

Do you know what's even better than getting woken up by your son at 1:37am? Getting woken up by him throwing up on your carpet.
And do you know what's even better than him throwing up on your carpet at 1:37am? Him also throwing up all over your shoes.
But wait, want to get even better than that? Let's add in some explosive diarrhea, why don't we!
If you think it can't get even better, how about let's repeat that routine of vomit and explosive diarrhea (rinse and repeat) until 5am?
And the piece de resistance? Let's spend the day disinfecting every blanket, sheet, and towel in the house.
Even better!

Lucky O'Brien

While I was off on my girls' weekend, one Mr. Lucky O'Brien was paying our house a visit. I must admit I was a wee bit worried that he wouldn't show up since I was gone and sometimes dads forget to make all the, ahem, necessary preparations for a leprechaun visit. But my worry was for naught, because bright and early on St. Patrick's Day, Jack and Ellie woke up to discover that - although they weren't able to catch Mr. O'Brien in their leprechaun traps (MAN, that little buggar is sneaky!) - he left them instructions for a treasure hunt, at the end of which they found some chocolate coins. He also left Ellie a princess coloring book, and Jack a U.S. presidents puzzle (despite being from the Emerald Isle, Mr. O'Brien understands the importance of knowing your presidential history. See you again next year, Lucky!

BGW Weekend

Jared just pulled Mr. Mom duty while I went to a girls' weekend in the Outer Banks. I'm utterly exhausted from the late nights and the 5-hour drive back, but it was totally worth it. So let me take a moment for an ode to my fellow BGWers:

1. To Brandi, my favorite friend with a hooker name (but a hooker with a heart of gold), thanks for making this all happen
2. To Lindsey, who is heaps of fun, heaps of cleavage, and a frosting that I'd lick off literally anything
3. To Renea, who puts the F-U-N in Cancer. Wait, there is no F-U-N in Cancer. Dang. Sorry. I have cancer! Well, she puts the fun in just about everything, and has given me a great appreciation for pockets.
4. To Kathy, our bedazzling flapper who brings just the right amount of crazy to a party.
5. To Ariella, I mean Areola, no, really I mean Ariella. Just remember to put down the glass before you pop it!
6. To Kylene, who lucky for us, never got the therapy she needed. And thank goodness for that, because she's a hell of a lot of fun because of it.
7. To Shelly of the sparkly sparkly eyes. Note to self - next time we go out, take her phone away. Nothing good can come of that.
8. To Slavka, who runs like a gazelle, drives like a Teamster, and keeps #5-7 just sane enough to keep them out of jail.
9. To Sarah, maker of the awesome french toast casserole and maker of the awesome Hamish. I'm tempted to have another daughter just in the hopes that she could marry Hamish. OK, not THAT tempted.
10. To Heather, who as we speak is amassing a great number of photos for blackmailing purposes. Just an FYI.
11. To Rena, warrior princess, who gave all the customers at Dirty Dicks quite the show.
12. To Chris, who gives such good massages that I even let her touch my feet. There is no greater compliment.
13. To Crystal, whose wardrobe I am currently plotting to steal. Just be warned.
14. To Hailie, whose special brownie recipe I can't wait to try out.
15. To Marianne, my favorite Brandian. I'm going to make it my mission in life to get her to knit me something. Just because.
16. To Denise, destined to be the first Relief Society president with purple hair and a dirty mind. As it should be.
17. To Angela, my roomie, who is patient and kind and probably thinks the rest of us are nuts.
18. And to Lydia, oh wait, that's me. So I'm done.

Thanks for the fun weekend, BGers - see you all next year!

It Takes a Village

Still a couple days until St. Patrick's Day, but Jack and Ellie are all ready to catch themselves a leprechaun. They've put out leprechaun traps in years past, but haven't yet caught that wily leprechaun. So they figured that just a trap or two wouldn't suffice - that what they needed was a whole leprechaun village.

So they made two leprechaun traps - or hotels, as they like to refer to them.

But then they expanded into a village - including a swimming pool, a big rainbow (to fool the leprechaun into thinking his gold was hidden there), and what appears to be a skate park. I'm not 100% sure about that one, but looks like a skate park to me.

Some come St. Patrick's Day morning we'll have to see if our leprechaun village is enough to lure and then trap that sneaky leprechaun. If not, next year maybe we'll go bigger and better - Leprechaun Water Park, maybe?

Time Flies

This little guy now walks that little dog, and watches out for his sister at school, and beats up boys who bother her at taekwondo.

This little girl now wants to wear makeup, and hosts extravagant Barbie parties, and bosses pretty much everyone around.

Time flies, and a lot has changed since I walked the colicky Jack around for hours and hours, and a lot has changed since Ellie would throw soul-crushing tantrums (well, ok, so maybe not THAT much has changed, but you get my point) - but one thing hasn't changed - their awesomeness. They are just chock full o' awesomeness. It really isn't fair to all the other kids in the world that Jack and Ellie are hoarding all the awesomeness. But hey, life isn't fair, so suck it up 'cause they're mine. And they're awesome.

5 Minutes in Hell

I've told you before how much I hate getting the kids ready for school in the morning. But have I TRULY imparted to you TRULY how much I hate it? Because guess what - I hate it. And the reason I hate it is that I try so hard to make it calm and organized - lunches are made, clothes are laid out, even the bleepin' toothpaste is on the bleepin' toothbrushes. I even have a cutesy way I wake them up each morning, and put the cheeriest tone to my voice that you could imagine - and yet those little devil spawn (love you!) manage to make me into a raving lunatic in about 5 minutes flat. And those are my 5 minutes in hell.

It starts out well - a half-hour out, the kids are fed and in theory all they have to do is brush their teeth and get dressed. That should be plenty of time, right? But see, you're not accounting for ....

the 5 minutes for Ellie to come up with various ailments she is suddenly suffering from...
and the 5 minutes for Jack to obsess over the imaginary hair that's sticking up on the back of his head...
and the 5 minutes for Ellie to complain about the way I've done her hair...
and the 5 minutes for Jack to make muscle arms in the mirror...
and then the 5 minutes for Jack to ask me a slew of questions related to science, social studies, and the logic of cartoons.

Leaving 5 minutes for us to get ready for carpool. Here's how it breaks down:
2 minutes for Lydia to launch into a tirade about efficiency, time management, and consideration for other peoples' time
2 minutes for Jack and Ellie to stare blankly at Lydia
1 minute for the previously calm Lydia to run around the house like a rabid dog, screaming "We only have 1 minute, people!!," and throwing clothes onto kids

Before we head out the door, I give the kids a big hug and tell them to 'be your best!' and try to pretend that we didn't just have a complete meltdown. But they know. And I know. And let's face it, the neighbors probably know. 5 minutes before, I was a raving lunatic. And 24 hours and 59 minutes from now, I'll be a raving lunatic again.

And that's my morning.

Snow Day (Part 2)!!!!

Jack and Ellie reminded me that a snow day isn't complete without a snowman - so outside we just trudged to build our snowman. Please meet Mr. Snowenson!

Snow Day!!!!!!

Oh me oh my, do I have two happy kids right now. We FINALLY got a snow day. Not sure how much snow - it's still snowing, but so far I'd guess around 5 inches maybe. Kinda wet and cold, actually, but the kids don't care, because it's a SNOW DAY. Unfortunately it's a busy time work-wise for me, so I've had to do some work today. But still, Jack and Ellie and Jared were able to focus on the key components of a snow day:
(1) sleeping in
(2) Wii
(3) movies
(4) hot cocoa
(5) a little bit of shoveling
and the most important part
(6) playing in the snow

Ellie was told that if you want it to snow, you should wear your pajamas inside-out as good luck - and she is absolutely convinced that she is the primary cause of today's snow

They were begging Jared to take them sledding from around, oh, 7am, but he finally relented around 10 this morning - the first ride down was a wipeout, but then they got the hang of it

The second time down was a charm

As you can see from these happy faces

Jack and Ellie had a blast sledding with their friends

They decided to have a boys-vs.-girls race - Ellie and her friend Grace against Jack and his friend Dubs - I think we can see how this turned out

So they switched sleds, and, well, sorry boys

Since you're already soaking wet, might as well make some snow angels!

My favorite part of snow days? Hot cocoa

Happy Snow Day!

According to Ellie

On the Internet...
Jack: "Mom, what year was Elvis Presley born?"
Mom: "I'm not sure"
Ellie: "But hey, we can look it up on the Internet! You can look anything up on the Internet. Well, except for how old Santa is - because no one knows that. And you can't look up how many girls Justin Bieber has kissed - because I already tried that."

On the search....
Mom: "Ellie, where's Jack?"
Ellie: "I don't know - I'll search for him!"
Starts sniffing around
Ellie: "What does Jack smell like?"
Mom: "Uh...what? I don't know what he smells like"
Ellie: "Well, probably something nasty, so I'll just sniff around for something nasty-smelling"

Ellie and the Meaning of Relaxing

Sunday afternoons we try to relax. Most of us enjoy that - well, except for Ellie. Ellie's definition of 'relaxing' and normal peoples' definition are a bit different. Her version of a relaxing afternoon includes about 20 art projects, plays, puppet shows, makeovers, magic shows, forts, Barbie road trips, and quizzes that she prepares for the family to take. Yes, her version of relaxing includes work for us. So today I was relaxing with a book and a Diet Dr. Pepper when she comes into the family room with her iPad and a lunchbox. "Whatcha doin," Mom asks, and Ellie replies that she's just going to do some exercising. "What's in the lunchbox," Mom asks, and Ellie replies that she has her exercise snacks in there. BTW, her snacks included a water bottle and chocolate chip cookies. My kinds of snacks. So she does some stretches and then has me search YouTube on her iPad for 'exercise songs.' And proceeds for the next half-hour to jump and bop and gyrate through her exercise songs. After all that moving around, I was convinced she'd be ready to REALLY relax. But no - within 5 minutes she was on to play doh and painting and origami. That's Ellie's kind of relaxing.

Here's Ellie's version of the gummy bear song.

Blue & Gold

Last night was Jack's Blue and Gold ceremony for cub scouts. We missed it last year - I think Jared was out of town - so we felt like we should go there this year. And, while I can't really say honestly that it was FUN, I'm glad we went to support the troop. Jack did enjoy getting his newly acquired wolf badge. And Ellie enjoyed the pasta dinner (our non-pasta-eating Jack ate 7 pieces of bread). And I'm glad that I won't have to go for another year! See, there's a silver lining to everything!

Pack 1500, preparing for the ceremony

Jack, getting his wolf badge

Ellie will usually be patient through a ceremony if you promise her food - yup, she takes after her mother

All Grown Up

Today was Career Dress-up Day at Jack and Ellie's school. Jack decided to wear his normal clothes. "I'm going to be a writer and an artist," he said, "so I'll be able to wear whatever I want to." This led to a discussion with Ellie on what she wants to be when she grows up - she decided on doctor, dancer, and president. She did a pretty good job of assessing her electability - "I have 70 cousins, so automatically I get 70 votes, right? That's a good start!" But she didn't think dressing up like the president would be very fun, it's too cold to dress up like a dancer, and all we could find was a stethoscope for the doctor outfit - which wasn't met with a lot of enthusiasm from Ellie ("really?!? this is what you want me to wear - really?"). So we dug around in the dress-up box and chose the FBI outfit. She thought it was pretty bad-ass, and liked the idea of bossing people around.